I'm lost and stupid without you.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
