from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
