What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
