any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
