My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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