He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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