Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
