my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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