Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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