If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
