Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
