He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
