I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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