There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
