Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's official drugs can't kill me
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
