I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
