So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
