my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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