I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
