y did u give ur computer a hand job?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
