i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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