Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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