I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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