She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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