John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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