I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
