I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize