I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
