I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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