drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
