I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
