I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
