Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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