She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
