My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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