Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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