I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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