I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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