i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
