if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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