all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
