are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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