Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
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