I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize