a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
