I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
