then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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