How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
