TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
