mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My liver just broke up with me...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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