you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
