I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
