He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We talked him into tasing himself.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
