its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
