I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
