Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
