I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize