Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
